I’ve been watching a lot of QI lately- a show where Stephen Fry gets to talk about all sorts of trivia bits, do cool experiments, and play with knicknacks and the like. And while yes, that is totally awesome, there’s nothing to say I can’t do any of that in my regular life, so that definitely isn’t why I consider him awesome. It is pretty fabulous that he makes a living at it, sure, but to be able to make a living at that , while suffering through depression and anxiety, well that’s something even more amazing.
These days I struggle. Struggle with getting out of bed, struggle with being social. I keep trying, and I do the things that I should do with my life to keep my life in motion, but it really is going through the motions. I don’t feel alive right now. I feel empty- hollow. I feel isolated, but intentionally isolated. Nothing I do seems good enough, and I just wait for the days, the hours, the minutes to pass where someone’s going to confirm this for me- by getting fired, by someone outright telling me I’m a horrible person, or just by one day magically getting on facebook and seeing that I have no friends anymore. Its a scary place to be when just months ago, I felt secure and happy and focused.
I know the majority of this is all in my head. I take my vitamin D. I try to eat healthy and workout (though both have taken a turn for crap since work has gotten busy and I haven’t been able to run because of my back and then COLDMAGEDDON.) But then I look at Stephen Fry, and I’m like, how does he do it? How, with depression looming over his head as it does, does he get out of bed and be that fabulous person who hosts that show, and giggles and smiles and tells us all to “Be Good to each other.” Some days I don’t even know how I can be cheery when I answer a phonecall from the office.
I know I have improved from my past moments of depression, in that this one hasn’t culminated with me thinking that my life is completely worthless. Instead, I’m writing this post, to try to acknowledge the depression and see if that trips it off to start moving out again. Maybe that’s what Stephen Fry does. Maybe by his writing about it a few months ago, it helped kick it for him. Maybe he writes about it a lot. I don’t know. But I want to be like him. I want to know that I’m awesome, and be awesome, and be good to each other, and everything else. I just need the darkness to step away a few steps.